Trapped

Have you ever wanted something, felt so strongly about something - stirring deep within you - but couldn’t see the open path or way in which that thing would ever come to fruition?

The longing for adventure in the PNW was that strong, deep desire that somehow seemed too far from reality for us, that thing that we want, but just don’t see how it would ever truly be.

The past 7 years, my world - as I had it planned - turned upside down. The career & success I chased (for my own self-gain) was begrudgingly surrendered. The additional children I was adamant that I was fine to do without, was less than 2 years away from becoming our new reality. I was floating by in this space of unknowing. It was weird. Playing catch up to the place the Lord had called me was hard. If I’m being honest, I felt trapped.

The COVID-19 pandemic hit in March of 2020 & life as we all knew it changed. We grieved. The loss of friends, family, simplicity, fun, community, safety, togetherness, health. We grieved. My heart broke in two as I watched people forsake loving neighbors, putting themselves above those around them, spewing memes of hatred, & caring more about their own individual freedom over our calling as Christ-followers to love people well.

We carried a deep conviction on how we felt called to navigate this season & I’ll be honest. It was hard. I felt trapped.

Losing a parent to COVID in the peak of the pandemic was the last thing I had expected. I would love to share more about this & how the Lord gently carried me through. This isn’t something I can skim over & there is a lot I feel impressed to share. But for now, what I need you to know is: the Lord has redeemed a lot during this season. My Daddy would be so proud to know how his legacy has impacted me, Bryan and the girls. The actual pivot that his death had in our life.

My 7 year snowball of identity crisis and feeling trapped in a place I never saw for myself continuously reminded me of the need for therapy. The need for the Lord to use someone in physical form to take the jumbled thoughts and experiences and help me navigate these big feelings that I wanted to ignore, but knew needed dealing with. The reality was: therapy wasn’t something we could afford. If we couldn’t afford childcare for our two youngest, therapy was for sure off the table. The irony.

In closing his estate, we were left with a small amount of money. And being the intentional - best bang for your buck - person that I am, I immediately knew. Therapy. Investment. I was going to take myself to the place my best friend had spent the last 5 years trying to get me to go to. I was going to step into the work. I was going to do something I hadn’t done in a while: I was going to prioritize myself. I was going to Onsite. I was going to get un-trapped.